of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
