I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
