Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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