hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
