Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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