I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
