I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
