I just threw up on my dentist
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
