im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
