dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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