you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
