why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
