If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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