Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
