They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
