please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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