Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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