I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
