Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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