someone owes me an orgasm
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she peed on how many people?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
