i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize