I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
