We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
