watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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