I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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