when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
