If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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