So drunk, too bad you don't want this
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize