I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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