apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
