I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
