Already got asked if we're dating
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
