Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
