I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
