I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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