My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
