Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize