I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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