How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I looked at my own cervix.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
