I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
