So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
