Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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