I'm gonna have a badass scar
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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