theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
