Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
