Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
