I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
