Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
