My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
