if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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