Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
