i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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