New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
