it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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