watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize