Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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