woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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