Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there was a trapeze. enough said
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
