so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
