im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize